


Purple

by kyanitedragon



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Warning for mentions of gender dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28462452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyanitedragon/pseuds/kyanitedragon
Summary: AU where Kanae/Karren survived the Lunar Eclipse Operation along with Tsukiyama
Relationships: Kanae von Rosewald & Tsukiyama Shuu
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Purple

Mirumo and Touka were in the backroom of :re, having a private discussion. They were likely deciding where the three of them would stay from now on.

_ Only the three of us... _

Everyone else had sacrificed themselves and died. The three of them had barely made it out alive.

Mirumo Tsukiyama, Shuu Tsukiyama, and Kanae Von Rosewald - who had reclaimed her life as Karren Von Rosewald.

\---

Karren, Karren, Karren. 

It was her name since birth, and during her time spent as Kanae she greatly missed hearing it.

Hearing Shuu speak her name for the first time gave her butterflies, and she fell even harder for him as she plummeted to what she thought would be her death.

In the café manager’s van, Shuu had leaned over and asked her:

"Do you want me to call you Karren or Kanae here?"

She said Karren, because she was tired living a lie as Kanae.

But now...

She wasn't sure what it was — she just had this negative feeling everytime anyone but Shuu called her name.

Touka was always close beside her and trying to talk to her. Touka probably thought Karren would be most comfortable talking to another woman. 

_ But I’m not even a wo— _

Karren stopped her train of thought. No, she was a woman. She had lived as a man for so many years, but she was once again back to living as a woman.

So why did she feel this way? She never had before. Or had she? She remembered her childhood and parents, but she couldn't remember how she felt about her gender when she was a child.

"Karren, may I sit down?" Shuu asked.

Karren flinched. She had been too lost in thought to hear him come in.

"Of course, Shuu-sama!"

"You look pretty down. I miss everyone too..."

Karren nodded, although that wasn't why she was currently upset. She had tried to stop thinking about all the people she had lost to investigators, but that just led her to having a gender crisis.

"Would you like to get out of that suit? Touka may be tomboyish, but I think even she has a few dresses you might be able to borrow."

\---

Sure enough, Touka had three. Two that she hadn't worn in a while, and a third that was a size too big but she never got around to returning it.

Karren was a lot taller than Touka, so only the largest dress would fit her. It was still a bit tight and short, but Karren wanted to try wearing a dress again after so many years of only dressing masculine.

"Alright Shuu-sama, you may come in!"

The door clicked as he walked in, and his eyes widened when he saw her.

"Ah! That color looks beautiful on you Karren, as plain as Touka's tastes may be!"

Karren giggled, "Thank you, Shuu-sama." She glanced back in the mirror. The white dress did compliment her well.

"In a few days, the three of us will be on our own feet again! I'll take you shopping and buy you some dresses that are more fitting of our family!"

Karren smiled. "That sounds great, thank you so much!"

Shopping with Shuu? He'd make sure she found the most beautiful outfits. It was a dream come true!

\---

"Karren! That dress looks so good on you! You're such a beautiful young woman!" Touka announced once Karren had come downstairs into the café. All eyes were on her.

She thanked them and then sat down and enjoyed a coffee. That feeling was back again, as well as the words  _ "young woman"  _ haunting her. They sounded off. They sounded wrong. 

...She really wasn't a woman, was she? 

But then what was she? She knew she wasn't a man either, but she never remembered being this uncomfortable when she was Kanae.

\---

"Shuu-sama?"

"Yes, Karren?"

"I'm so sorry to ask this of you! You were already so understanding and I know I'm complicating things further by asking you this!"

"Non! What is it, Karren? I'm sure you won't be!"

"I..." She began. "I think I want to be Kanae again."

"Is my father putting you up to this? Because the Rosewald family needs to have a male heir? I'll talk to him, I know that you—"

Karren quickly stopped him. "No, no! I... I thought I would be comfortable as a woman but I'm not. Before, I was Kanae because it was who I thought my father would have wanted me to be, but this time I just want to be myself."

Shuu smiled. "Thank you for telling me. It's not a problem and never will be. I want you to be comfortable and true to yourself."

\--

And so, he was once again Kanae. He acted a bit differently — more himself — than he had before.

But days passed, and being a man also felt wrong. Yet certain things about being Kanae felt right. He missed Shuu calling him Karren, but he enjoyed that everyone else called him Kanae. Binding his chest usually made him feel right, but some days he did miss having breasts.

He wasn't sure what he wanted, and he was getting frustrated by it.

\---

"Shuu-sama, may I talk to you again?" Kanae asked, knocking on Shuu's door.

"Of course, Kanae.” Shuu watched him closely as he stepped inside, then asked. “Is this... Is this about your gender again?"

"I'm sorry."

"Non!” Shuu interrupted. “I told you, don't apologize."

Kanae nodded a tiny bit, although he still felt nervous and guilty. He sat down.

"So what's on your mind?"

"I... I don't know what I am. I'm not comfortable as Kanae, but I'm not comfortable as Karren either."

"Not comfortable with the names, or being the gender?" Shuu asked.

"I don't know... Maybe both..."

"What bothers you about them, if you don't mind me asking?"

Kanae sighed, "Some days I’m comfortable with what I am and some days I’m not. I like it when you call me Karren, but only you. But being both a man and a woman feels wrong."

There was a moment of silence between them.

"Have you heard of non-binary?" Shuu asked.

Karren shook her head. “What’s that?”

"After you told me you wanted to be Kanae again, I started looked into what being transgender meant. Non-binary means you identify outside the gender binary of male and female. Everyone non-binary person is a little different. Some people feel like both, or neither, or only a little bit of a binary gender, and some people have no idea where they fall."

Karren took this in. "Non-binary..." They smiled. "That sounds great, thank you Shuu-sama!"

"Do you think it fits?"

"I'm not sure, but I think it might! I would need to try it..."

Shuu nodded. "Try it then! Figure out what works for you! Clothes, name, pronouns, appearance, try it all out! And if you want my fashion advice, please just come to me!"

"Thank you, I will!"

\---

It had been a few months since then, and Kanae had finally figured themself out. They were non-binary.

Among most people they went by Kanae, as it was a gender-neutral name. But they preferred that Shuu — and only Shuu — called them Karren. They knew Shuu accepted and loved them regardless of any gender they were, and that he didn't assume anything of Karren even with a feminine name.

Kanae also varied their outfits depending on how they felt, how dysphoric they were, and what they wanted to wear. They already had a binder, and they purchased a packer as well. Some days they looked very masculine, other days very feminine, and other days anywhere in-between. They practiced all kinds of makeup with Shuu, and Shuu took them shopping for all kinds of outfits.

Kanae was finally content with who they were and what their gender was, and they were finally able to be themself, leaving both family expectations and gender roles behind.


End file.
